How many days of your life have ended with you falling asleep feeling incredibly stupid?
Tonight, that stupid feeling came long before I even could rightly fall asleep. It was that awkward hour when to curl up and sleep would cause roommates and family to ask what-was-wrong, was-I-sick, and how-late-did-I-stay-up-last-night.
So, I was just sitting feeling depressed, frustrated and and sorry for myself. A little or a lots bit alone. Kind of angry at myself. Very foolish. Minor-ly overwhelmed. When a popping noise under my music starts, which of course means "Someone has deemed you worthy of talking to on Facebook!!"
I didn't really feel like talking and ignored it to wallow a little more, spending time to put up some mental streamers for my pity party (Which was a waste of time: it's not like anyone but me was going to come anyways. haha. :P).
To delve further into God was/is the right thing to do, but it felt as though to even turn my face towards him would hurt so immeasurably that I needed to catch my breath first. Setting the mood with some mildly angry music seemed in order. Turning the volume to drown out my mind.
Except for more obnoxious "pop...pop........pop,pop.....pop." When Facebook wouldn't quit, I turned to find a little note from an unexpected friend I haven't talked to for a while. It was growing in a lonely chat box, pop, pop, popping away.:
Tonight, that stupid feeling came long before I even could rightly fall asleep. It was that awkward hour when to curl up and sleep would cause roommates and family to ask what-was-wrong, was-I-sick, and how-late-did-I-stay-up-las
So, I was just sitting feeling depressed, frustrated and and sorry for myself. A little or a lots bit alone. Kind of angry at myself. Very foolish. Minor-ly overwhelmed. When a popping noise under my music starts, which of course means "Someone has deemed you worthy of talking to on Facebook!!"
I didn't really feel like talking and ignored it to wallow a little more, spending time to put up some mental streamers for my pity party (Which was a waste of time: it's not like anyone but me was going to come anyways. haha. :P).
To delve further into God was/is the right thing to do, but it felt as though to even turn my face towards him would hurt so immeasurably that I needed to catch my breath first. Setting the mood with some mildly angry music seemed in order. Turning the volume to drown out my mind.
Except for more obnoxious "pop...pop........pop,pop.
"Hey, can i pray for you?"
"....well, no reply. good :P Guess that's a yes. "
They had then commenced to pray on in a couple or three paragraphs for God's presence, strength, perseverance, help in trouble,trust, and a heart that seeks after God before all else. Then they had politely signed their name and that was it. I might have teared up a little. Just maybe.
"But I tell you in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain to him that he answers none of mans words? For God does speak- now one way, now another- though man may not perceive it." Job 33:12-14
Sometimes I wonder if I've gotten a disproportionate share, a heaping blessing of stupid days which blast down to remind me of what a foolish heart and mind I actually have. Or maybe, it is a perfectly proportionate amount-- equal to the amount of pride I have and the humbling I need. Proportionate to the grace and healing that God is prepared to bring when I finally cry to him for help.
"Thank you for letting me 'perceive' tonight. Forgive me for not focusing on you and who you are, and instead letting my inconveniences and foolish experience cloud out your sovereignty in my heart.
Zero in my sights on what matters, to look up at your face instead of the waters around that look so menacing. Thank you for never giving up on us. Thank you for friends which bring me before you when I can't bring myself. You are good, you are incomparably holy, you remain even when we do not. Make us like you, and give us a hunger to push deeper into your truth even if it is not 'convenient' for us at the moment. And tonight especially, thank you again for grace. "Where else can we go?"
"....well, no reply. good :P Guess that's a yes. "
They had then commenced to pray on in a couple or three paragraphs for God's presence, strength, perseverance, help in trouble,trust, and a heart that seeks after God before all else. Then they had politely signed their name and that was it. I might have teared up a little. Just maybe.
"But I tell you in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain to him that he answers none of mans words? For God does speak- now one way, now another- though man may not perceive it." Job 33:12-14
Sometimes I wonder if I've gotten a disproportionate share, a heaping blessing of stupid days which blast down to remind me of what a foolish heart and mind I actually have. Or maybe, it is a perfectly proportionate amount-- equal to the amount of pride I have and the humbling I need. Proportionate to the grace and healing that God is prepared to bring when I finally cry to him for help.
"Thank you for letting me 'perceive' tonight. Forgive me for not focusing on you and who you are, and instead letting my inconveniences and foolish experience cloud out your sovereignty in my heart.
Zero in my sights on what matters, to look up at your face instead of the waters around that look so menacing. Thank you for never giving up on us. Thank you for friends which bring me before you when I can't bring myself. You are good, you are incomparably holy, you remain even when we do not. Make us like you, and give us a hunger to push deeper into your truth even if it is not 'convenient' for us at the moment. And tonight especially, thank you again for grace. "Where else can we go?"
Pity parties and perception