Part 1:
When I was little, I wanted with all of my heart to be a governess. For so long, I adventured with Mary Poppins, Maria Von Trap, Jane Eyre, and Anne Shirley (who although not a governess, was a teacher, and that was practically the same thing.) It seemed a glamorous career, caring for rich people's children, being a sort of mother without having to go near a boy (fyi, boys are gross), and having some sort of adventure in the process. It was the most superb thing to be done with a life.
When I grew out of the 'Governess Phase,' I wanted to be a nun. This was particularly the doing of Mother Theresa, and Sound of Music. My parents had merely told me that nuns were women who devoted their lives to God, forever. Why this was exactly what I wanted to do! I could sit, and think of rescuing governesses, converting people in India, and thwarting Nazi plans for hours.
This dream was crushed in two ways:
First, I was told that you needed to be Catholic to be a nun, and this meant being not a Baptist. I could not fathom this at the time, and later on, as I learned the theological differences I realized that I did not agree with some things taught.
Second, I learned that the Nazis had already been defeated. A crushing blow. I had had their pitiful end all mapped out, and had been planning upon adopting some children from concentration camps. How terrible to learn that those 'children' were now older than my parents, and that I could not help them. Nevertheless, I went on to dream of being an Olympic gold medalist in swimming, an editor, an EMT, a teacher, a homeless person, a historian, a social worker, a missionary, a nurse, a writer, and an actress on Broadway.
It will come as no surprise to hear that the future has been for me a large, overwhelming thing. Not only has it been put upon a foolish girl to decide what to do (entirely!) next year, but I must choose where, and when, and what. Continue college or no? Where? How much money? How Will that money be provided? What would I study? What would be a good job? What am I good at? What do you want to DO with your life anyways? Life is overwhelming. There are so many options, so many good things, but what is the best?
Part 2:
The Truth Project on Sunday was talking about who God is, as the most important thing we can know. One particular line stuck out: When we gaze upon the face of God, we discover not only who God is, but who we are.
*lightbulb moment*
I have been going about this all wrong. Friends talk about going away to "find themselves," as though their identity is floating about on some city street like Peter Pan's shadow. Yet finding a purpose does not come from deep introspection or wild adventures. It comes from knowing God, the one who makes us, gives us our identity, and our passions. And yet, when we gaze upon his face, he also displays his great plan, and the role he has given us in it. We are sinners it is true, but His saints as well.
Who I am in God will not make sense to many people. His Call is one that does not always make sense in the finite, human perspective of NOW, even when I am the one living it. As a favorite book reminds me,
" It is easier to work or serve God without a visions and without a call because then you are not bothered by what he requires. Common sense, covered by a layer of Christian emotion becomes our Guide. You may be more prosperous and successful from the world's perspective, an may have more leisure time, if you never acknowledge the call of God." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)In this light, God does not call of to lovely lives which "make sense." Perhaps our lives will to the world appear a complete and utter waste of talent.
But, oh, God does not waste talent. He does not miss chances, or overlook opportunities. When he has my heart and soul completely, the things he does through me are more useful than anything 'I' could ever do. The places he sends me, the people I meet are far from the ordinary life I could or would have chosen to live. The things I suffer are greater, and yet the joy and assurance has a magnitude far beyond anything to which I can even compare. I rest in the peace of knowing that the way I walk is the way he created for his followers: a path the follows the steps of Jesus. It is a life well lived, every day to the fullest, un-wasted.
Who we are does not wait around the river bend. It waits in God. When we know him, when we experience who he is, the person we are, should, and will be is revealed in its inadequacy and in its fullness. It is not a quest that waits until high school graduation, or that goes away after a major is declared, children are born, or a job is secured. It is to be sought every day of our lives. God plans are so much richer than the easy, nice lives we choose for ourselves.
Like a little child wanting to adopt orphans, only to find out they are quite older than she, we may think we will be most useful in one place when in reality we would be quite a lot better off not listening to our own plans. God sees the whole picture, and what we may see as a good, sensible thing may indeed be insensible, and far from best. Do not settle for the 'nice' of a halfway, self -proclaimed life, when God's way stands before you, absolutely extraordinary.
wow, this was amazing. thank you for bettering my day... err.... night... with this. :)
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