Pity parties and perception

How many days of your life have ended with you falling asleep feeling incredibly stupid?

Tonight, that stupid feeling came long before I even could rightly fall asleep. It was that awkward hour when to curl up and sleep would cause roommates and family to ask what-was-wrong, was-I-sick, and how-late-did-I-stay-up-las

t-night.

So, I was just sitting feeling depressed, frustrated and and sorry for myself. A little or a lots bit alone. Kind of angry at myself. Very foolish. Minor-ly overwhelmed. When a popping noise under my music starts, which of course means "Someone has deemed you worthy of talking to on Facebook!!"

I didn't really feel like talking and ignored it to wallow a little more, spending time to put up some mental streamers for my pity party (Which was a waste of time: it's not like anyone but me was going to come anyways. haha. :P).

To delve further into God was/is the right thing to do, but it felt as though to even turn my face towards him would hurt so immeasurably that I needed to catch my breath first. Setting the mood with some mildly angry music seemed in order. Turning the volume to drown out my mind.

Except for more obnoxious "pop...pop........pop,pop.....pop." When Facebook wouldn't quit, I turned to find a little note from an unexpected friend I haven't talked to for a while. It was growing in a lonely chat box, pop, pop, popping away.:

"Hey, can i pray for you?"

"....well, no reply. good :P Guess that's a yes. "

They had then commenced to pray on in a couple or three paragraphs for God's presence, strength, perseverance, help in trouble,trust, and a heart that seeks after God before all else. Then they had politely signed their name and that was it. I might have teared up a little. Just maybe.

"But I tell you in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain to him that he answers none of mans words? For God does speak- now one way, now another- though man may not perceive it." Job 33:12-14

Sometimes I wonder if I've gotten a disproportionate share, a heaping blessing of stupid days which blast down to remind me of what a foolish heart and mind I actually have. Or maybe, it is a perfectly proportionate amount-- equal to the amount of pride I have and the humbling I need. Proportionate to the grace and healing that God is prepared to bring when I finally cry to him for help.

"Thank you for letting me 'perceive' tonight. Forgive me for not focusing on you and who you are, and instead letting my inconveniences and foolish experience cloud out your sovereignty in my heart.

Zero in my sights on what matters, to look up at your face instead of the waters around that look so menacing. Thank you for never giving up on us. Thank you for friends which bring me before you when I can't bring myself. You are good, you are incomparably holy, you remain even when we do not. Make us like you, and give us a hunger to push deeper into your truth even if it is not 'convenient' for us at the moment. And tonight especially, thank you again for grace. "Where else can we go?"

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Posted in "bad" days, faith, friends, goals

Monday-- "In which it is noted that God creates a supremely better world than Elizabeth"

The weather is having an identity crisis.
The grass is still green, the leaves are just turning brilliant oranges and apparently winter got jealous of all the attention, and decided to cut in early. This makes for a breathtaking mile trek to work in the sunrise, a delicious walk to class in the afternoon. Although God does not need my approval, I feel that this snow thing was a lovely idea, and I thoroughly approve of it. *smile*

Human anatomy has me marveling as well. Yes, the homework is tortuous. No, I'm not acing the class. I struggle and strain to get C's in that class which would make me cry in any other class I've ever taken. But to sit and learn to understand how it all works, to touch cadavers...brings a sort of awe. Just comprehending skeletal muscles... ay me. Learning their insertions and origins sets me into a kind of stupor at how incredibly complex the body is.

Had I created the humanity, we would be stick figures with about 4 muscles, and probably no faces- if I even was creative enough to think of muscles. :P To believe that another human could so thoughtfully arrange every piece of every system is a stretch- how could I even imagine that this astounding complexity came about by chance?

I can't.

Studying the body like its functional God-made art, has been one of my favorite blessings in this class. Especially after the highly exasperating Cellular Biology class this summer, being That-Weird-Religious-Freak-Who-Is-Always-Asking-Questions-On-Everything.I love having a teacher who will marvel with me, not just see this as more stuff, but after 30 years of teaching, is still wowed by God's handiwork. At moments I find that Anatomy is like studying theology- I feel sometimes as if I understand Him more working through histology slides than in wading through a commentary on Ezekiel (Alright...so I liked that today too. *smile* After the snow, before the anatomy. ).

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." Romans 1:20

Wow.

That's all.

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Posted in creation, school, science

Cadaver

I watched mutely tonight as a man cut the calf muscles of an old woman. And didn’t do anything.

Maybe it was the locked and refrigerated room. Maybe it was the dead man laying next to her. Maybe it was the part where I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of that tendon, and had this vision of the Dr. asking me to name it next week.

Maybe I asked not to see her face, as we examined the osteoarthritis in her right knee. When they pulled back her ribcage, and I felt a heart beating under my own, and the chemical smell made my nose itch. She was supposed to be just medical, and yet.

When we traced the tendons down to her bleached out fingernails, I saw them being painted in a beauty parlor in my mind. Adjusting a red hat pushed down over tendrils of grey hair, pulling it away from thin lips that had kissed.

Watching the wide eyes of the kids-that's what we are- around me try to look unfazed, until they glanced at the sheet over her face.

Maybe it was knowing what is inside of her is what is inside of me. And them.

Or maybe, it was the part where I marveled at this once breathing art and caught my own breath.

And for whatever reason, we just stood without making faces, wondering in awful silence.

To watch.

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Know-it-all fool.

Proverbs 2:1,3-6
"My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures.
Then, you will understand the fear of the LORD, and you will find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."

When was the last time that I honestly searched for God’s wisdom like it was a million dollars?
Does the need to cry out for insight somehow stop when I think I have all of the answers? Do I understand what is means to truly fear the Lord and not just blow him off in my hurried oh-so-important daily life? When was the last time that I STOPPED--Because I was afraid to disobey Him, not because I was afraid of what other Christians would think. If I think I'm wise, but I haven't sought God, where is my 'wisdom' really coming from?

There is more to wisdom than quoting verses and knowing theology, and talking incessantly about God and how you submit to his way. Wisdom is not talk. It is not memorized. It can not be successfully faked.

Listen. Treasure. Cry. Ask. Seek.

Understand.

Oh you foolish, foolish girl...

It has been far longer than it should be.

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Posted in goals, redemption, verses

Factory settings

I have always appreciated it when people and things are reborn, raised from the dead, cleaned of impurities and restored to the way they were created. Or I thought I liked these things, until it happened to my computer.

In all of the lovely renewal, I forgot that things first have to die. My computer was sweet enough to remind of this by illustration, and crashing last night. "Restored to factory settings" it said. My computer went and got redeemed. NO!

I had backed it up partially in November, and so it was not a total loss...yet.... almost 100 stories/drafts, 1,000's of pictures, and every last song I own have simply ceased to exist. Accompanying them on their journey to nothingness was my photoshop, Microsoft office, iTunes, messenger, and all of my college application and scholarship essays. It would be nice to say that I was mildly frustrated, yet remembered that these are "just things" and continued on my gentle way, but I didn't. I intermittently cried my self to sleep, or wept myself to morning, depending on how you look at it.

I was jolted into sympathetic placement with Jonah, who cried over the death of his shady plant instead of crying out for the people that God said were going to perish.

" But God said to Jonah, 'Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?'
'I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die.' "

This is about how I felt last night. I was, in fact, mostly convinced that the universe owed me a functioning, reliable computer.

"But the LORD said, 'You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?' "

"Yes..." is my begrudging answer. This whole "things are things, not that important" bit consistently tangles me up. It would be lovely to say I've learned my lesson, and that I shall never again fall into a fit of angry tears about technology being its flawed and imperfect self. However, I keep finding myself in the same, imperfect boat attempting to realign my way with God's gentle reminders. I mean, yes. It's a computer, not a human, not even an animal.

I worry to much about the wrong things not being saved: things like computer files, and my skin. God, he knows these things aren't a bit deal. He wants concern of a different kind. Everybody dies, and computers do too.

It was a reminder -albeit a not so enjoyable one- of this tiny, essential truth: I don't have a RIGHT to anything (not even a life). I've been gifted, and sometimes the Lord taketh away so that my head can get screwed back into it's proper perspective.

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Posted in future, heaven, technology, verses

They don't make band aids that big, Honey.

I was having a fairly satisfactory morning. The sun inspired me to stubbornly decide to sleep in long past 6. If it didn't have to get up today, I could wait a bit too. I like storms, my little sister does not. Of course, Bella is walking around with a black eye that refuses to open, a scabby face, and a swollen lip after she face planted on a gravel road Sunday. This puts a considerable damper on life when you are seven. :)

Looks are not everything (or even close) but they do hold strange sway over what we think. On Sunday, Bella tripped on the gravel path and took most of the impact on the side of her face. First I, and then Momma worked on getting all of the gravel and dirt out of the cut (which was no small ordeal). Impatient as usual, Bella instructed us to just "Put a band aid on!" so she could go play with her friend Abigail. Abby's eyes were huge. " I don't think we have band aids that big." So instead we set about trying to figure out how she could keep her cheek a little covered until the blood mostly stopped. Chloe sweetly tried to use pre-wrap around her head, but Bella vetoed this option. To Chloe' credit however, this is not a bad look, if you don't mind being a bit creative. If paired with some Egyptian clothes, it could possibly create a convincing mummy-ish style. Great for costume parties and scaring friends. Not so great for church.

Ivy helpfully suggested using clay and tinfoil to create a half face mask that molds to the face and hides the scabs, but still allows her to see through and eye hole. Phantom of the Opera anyone? Anyone?

Bella's own idea was to simply use bacitracin on the cuts, and then hold up a clean cloth to her face when she needed it. This was my idea too, minus the bandage. When I was seven, I would have left it for all to see, and enjoyed making up all sorts of different stories to tell about how I could possibly have gotten the cut. (fight with lions, mountain climbing, saving someone's life.. etc. the possibilities are great! )

( Picture from before her eye swelled)
But like our opinions on thunderstorms, our opinions on minor wounds are different too. Bella is walking around the house with a washcloth held up in front of half of her face today. There really is not much of a loss anymore, now that her eye has swollen shut and she can't see anyways. However, it keeps her looking as though she was just whacked in the face and is holding up a cloth the stop the bleeding as she runs for an ambulance or something, although she got her face messed up over 2 days ago. The blood has entirely stopped, yet she I guess grew kind of attached to the clean cloths at our house. When we went to out yesterday, the cashier started freaking out about this: " Oh my goodness do you need a bandage? Or some ice?" And Bella simply turned more pink as Dad explained that she got the scrapes 2 days ago, and just holds up the rag because she doesn't want people staring at her face, and likes the cloth. Hm, so much for NOT drawing attention to herself.

When we went to the orchestra last night, Bella changed her course of action, and instead wore a parka with a hood, and also popped her shirt collar. In terms of style and looks, this beat mummy pre-wrap, phantom masks, and cloths (Take note that this is really saying something, because pre-wrap around the head makes a statement). She likes this better (it keeps people from questioning her) although she looks very top secret agent-y, especially when she turns her face to the side so no one can see it and ask. But I guess suspicious is better than conspicuous, at least until she's better.

Until then, I anticipate washing many many collared shirts with the help of a pint sized Sherlock Holmes. I think I will miss her when she starts feeling normal again...

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Posted in family

The dreamer does nothing. Again. :)

Ah mi, the last day of break and I've managed to wait until 5 PM and do absolutely nothing. It's so lovely outside...

But puddle splashing is over, and now I have to get back into the real world of learning great things. I'm severely lacking in thoughts for today, but what can be done about that? It seems like a lovely day for a nap. Still, the Anabaptist and Catholic theologies await the touch of my silver pen... er, black keyboard. And although they've been around several hundred years it seems that they simply can't wait for a Monday morning for their nice 7 page paper. Those theologies... they are known to be a little impatient. I had better go and sate their eagerness to be written.

Hopefully that will keep Dr. Reasoner happy. I don't mind these great Reformation thinkers, but really? Have they no consideration for my spring break? I feel that God would be just as pleased by my delighting in his beautiful trees and puddles as he would in my puzzling through His mysteries.

I suppose that the reverse is true as well though. A little study of God has never hurt me yet.

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Posted in school

Oh my unbelief...

Mark 9:

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I believe Lord: Help my unbelief!
When we are weak, then He is strong. God honors those who admit that they need him to help them have faith. I am a very cynical, sarcastic person who finds it hard to believe many things. Time and time again, I have had to come back to God and ask forgiveness for doubting that he would do what he says he will. Abraham " Believed God, and he counted it to him as righteousness" ( Gen 15). God has never failed to fulfill his promises. God is not looking for perfect humans, but rather those who are willing to give over their weaknesses to him to be used. The like father of the demon possessed boy, I have to realize that What God asks of me is something I do not have within, rather, it is something that comes from him and will be given if only I ask.

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Posted in verses

'Who we are' does not wait around the river bend.

---

Part 1:

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When I was little, I wanted with all of my heart to be a governess. For so long, I adventured with Mary Poppins, Maria Von Trap, Jane Eyre, and Anne Shirley (who although not a governess, was a teacher, and that was practically the same thing.) It seemed a glamorous career, caring for rich people's children, being a sort of mother without having to go near a boy (fyi, boys are gross), and having some sort of adventure in the process. It was the most superb thing to be done with a life.

When I grew out of the 'Governess Phase,' I wanted to be a nun. This was particularly the doing of Mother Theresa, and Sound of Music. My parents had merely told me that nuns were women who devoted their lives to God, forever. Why this was exactly what I wanted to do! I could sit, and think of rescuing governesses, converting people in India, and thwarting Nazi plans for hours.

This dream was crushed in two ways:

First, I was told that you needed to be Catholic to be a nun, and this meant being not a Baptist. I could not fathom this at the time, and later on, as I learned the theological differences I realized that I did not agree with some things taught.

Second, I learned that the Nazis had already been defeated. A crushing blow. I had had their pitiful end all mapped out, and had been planning upon adopting some children from concentration camps. How terrible to learn that those 'children' were now older than my parents, and that I could not help them. Nevertheless, I went on to dream of being an Olympic gold medalist in swimming, an editor, an EMT, a teacher, a homeless person, a historian, a social worker, a missionary, a nurse, a writer, and an actress on Broadway.  

It will come as no surprise to hear that the future has been for me a large, overwhelming thing. Not only has it been put upon a foolish girl to decide what to do (entirely!) next year, but I must choose where, and when, and what. Continue college or no? Where? How much money? How Will that money be provided? What would I study? What would be a good job? What am I good at? What do you want to DO with your life anyways? Life is overwhelming. There are so many options, so many good things, but what is the best?

---

Part 2:

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The Truth Project on Sunday was talking about who God is, as the most important thing we can know. One particular line stuck out: When we gaze upon the face of God, we discover not only who God is, but who we are.

*lightbulb moment*

I have been going about this all wrong. Friends talk about going away to "find themselves," as though their identity is floating about on some city street like Peter Pan's shadow. Yet finding a purpose does not come from deep introspection or wild adventures. It comes from knowing God, the one who makes us, gives us our identity, and our passions. And yet, when we gaze upon his face, he also displays his great plan, and the role he has given us in it. We are sinners it is true, but His saints as well.

Who I am in God will not make sense to many people. His Call is one that does not always make sense in the finite, human perspective of NOW, even when I am the one living it. As a favorite book reminds me, 

" It is easier to work or serve God without a visions and without a call because then you are not bothered by what he requires. Common sense, covered by a layer of Christian emotion becomes our Guide. You may be more prosperous and successful from the world's perspective, an may have more leisure time, if you never acknowledge the call of God." (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

In this light, God does not call of to lovely lives which "make sense." Perhaps our lives will to the world appear a complete and utter waste of talent.

But, oh, God does not waste talent. He does not miss chances, or overlook opportunities. When he has my heart and soul completely, the things he does through me are more useful than anything 'I' could ever do. The places he sends me, the people I meet are far from the ordinary life I could or would have chosen to live. The things I suffer are greater, and yet the joy and assurance has a magnitude far beyond anything to which I can even compare. I rest in the peace of knowing that the way I walk is the way he created for his followers: a path the follows the steps of Jesus. It is a life well lived, every day to the fullest, un-wasted.

Who we are does not wait around the river bend. It waits in God. When we know him, when we experience who he is, the person we are, should, and will be is revealed in its inadequacy and in its fullness. It is not a quest that waits until high school graduation, or that goes away after a major is declared, children are born, or a job is secured. It is to be sought every day of our lives. God plans are so much richer than the easy, nice lives we choose for ourselves.

Like a little child wanting to adopt orphans, only to find out they are quite older than she, we may think we will be most useful in one place when in reality we would be quite a lot better off not listening to our own plans. God sees the whole picture, and what we may see as a good, sensible thing may indeed be insensible, and far from best. Do not settle for the 'nice' of a halfway, self -proclaimed life, when God's way stands before you, absolutely extraordinary.

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Posted in books, friends, future, goals, writing

Idols, meat, facebook and Lent.

Aubrey and I were talking about Lent on Wednesday on the way to school. Even though neither of us are Catholic it so happened that we both had been feeling as through we should fast something just to get ready for Easter. I had thought ( quite briefly) about fasting from some commodity, because fasting from the medieval standard of all meat, eggs, dairy and sweets seemed to be a bit of a stretch. I had thought maybe computer, sugar, books, music, TV, Movies... etc etc, but those were all such, sacrifices.

"Maybe it would be better to just fast from sports..."

I have never played on a sports team, and I don't make much of an effort to play sports anyways. But I was desperate for something-anything!-to give up without, well, actually giving anything up. The whole Lenten idea was so nice. Aubrey mentioned Facebook, and I was like" Haha. that's funny." I mean, get real. That's like.. my life. I can't live without that, that is where all my event invitations come from, where I talk, catch up, post pictures, listen to music. I need it to survive.

But oh. I lived without it for years. Who can't I really live with?
God. That's who.
Let's pretend: You have 5 minutes. You can either read your Bible of Check FB. What do you choose?

Ummmm... do I have to answer?? :S
Psh-yes.I'm your mind.
well, er..facebook?

What is an idol?
Something you put before God.
uh huh. You have a little problema there...
Um, no, not really. It's really more just that, you see life is being more computerized, and you have to do more on the web, and it's like, WEB evangelism?
You're so bad at excuses...
*sigh* I know.

^This ^ is roughly what runs through my head.
Aubs says " I'll get off facebook for 40 days if you will."

I didn't think she'd actually do it.

"Well I will if you will, I'm never sticking to this otherwise."
"I will"

haha, hmm, er, well....

"Oh grr.... I can't believe I agreed to this.... "

Lent is essentially about taking some time off from things that we really don't need, and instead focusing on what we really do (more than food, sleep, or facebook) need: God. For me, Lent is taking a (grudging) break from FB for 40 days. Of my senior year. I may just die.

Or maybe I'll just spend those 5 minutes reading my Bible.

Who knows?

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Posted in Facebook, friends, Lent, Media, school

The reason why I write

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. "
Psalms 19:14

Is there much more to say about this? This is (or rather attempts to be) the goal of all of my writing.

If it is not about God, what is is about?

And it it even worth it?

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Posted in goals, verses, writing