Slightly dour holiday thoughts.

I’m not big on judgment, which is a little bit of a lame thing since I suppose no one is when it comes to themselves.  No, my Christianity has rather been formed around a holy but loving/grace filled God who is  not permissive, but slow to anger. However the Bible says that God does judge, and we are guilty.  I am guilty.

Consequently, I sort of dislike reading about judgment in the Bible, although I’m simultaneously fascinated with God’s wrath. I've been reading a lot about judgement lately in the Old Testament prophets, partially because this makes me uncomfortable. This leads to the following verse about Sodom, of Sodom and Gomorrah fame, which was wiped from the face of the earth after abominable sin without repentance:

“‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. “ Ezekiel 16:49

I can’t get this verse out of my mind. It’s running tired little laps around the edge of my skull. I’m not sure what to do about it, or why, aside from that I means something (Deep, I know.) Being a selfish poor steward was reason for annihilation—not any number of sins I had imaged cause for a severe judgment. They were rich but self-absorbed. 

Forgive us, Lord.  I am guilty indeed. 

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Posted in conviction, mortality, redemption, verses

Mind Games

HA! I've invented a game. Or probably re-invented, since it is suspiciously similar to classic “pretend” except there is acute illness involved. Maybe it’s just a plain old coping mechanism. But really folks, who wants to say “Hey look! I've invented a Coping Mechanism!” when asked what they've been up to? Humor me. I need humoring.

I ache pretty constantly, and now, as the sprinkles on top, there is sharp random pain to accompany nausea and tachycardia.  This is where that elusive Game comes in (you thought I’d just used the word "game" to trick you into reading this depressing post, didn't you? No fear, it’s real). Stabbing pain has made it deliciously easy to be the Little Mermaid (Not Disney’s, but the original story). Close your eyes. You have feet that feel like knives are cutting them because of the deal you made with Ursula, but you attempt to move gracefully so that the prince realizes you were the one who saved him and doesn't marry that  fake princess thus leaving you to be turned into sea foam. As you can see, this game of pretend can be a little involved…but hey. My mind. My rules.

Another symptom is transient lower extremity numbness and tingling.  For this, it’s insanely helpful to be a war veteran with a wooden leg. However, he continues to walk tall and proud because he lost his leg in a noble cause, and apparently sometime in the 1800's before we had any good prosthetics…

I haven’t yet figured out what to pretend when LE numbness and pain occur simultaneously. Maybe if Ariel  didn't transform into a human completely and was left with only 1 leg, and thus had to build a peg leg out of drift wood? As stated, this scenario is still in need of refining.  

When I have insufferable fatigue for no good reason, I’d like to believe that it’s because I’m walking through a field of enchanted poppies right outside Oz.  Body aches are leftovers from blows sustained while cavorting about in clunky armor, or surviving a plane crash. Grinding headaches are hangovers from getting drugged by enemy spies—work through it, Love, you've got a mission to accomplish.  Nausea is because you've been climbing Mount Doom, just had your finger bitten off, and can’t even remember what strawberries taste like.  Don’t sweat it. You’ll get back to the Shire eventually.

Most of all, that’s what helps: I’ll get back to the Shire eventually.

The imaginative buffer helps give purpose to what my body feels, keeps me living life even though I just want to curl up in my bed and not move for hours on end.  In the meantime, I need to get more reading done so that I can keep on with literary allusions to sustain my increasingly ravenous mental games.

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